Start Vent Here

I want to say a few things:

1. I like myself. Yes, I can even venture to say that I love myself. I've heard so many times "you can't expect someone to love you unless you love yourself first," and let me tell you…I love myself. I'm happy with the person that I've become in practically every way. Sure, I could use improvement, but especially in the major areas, I think I'm pretty awesome. Maybe I should just find a way to marry myself, and we could avoid this whole posting, but anyway…

2. WTF do men want? You ask them this question, and they give you a nice little listing: funny, sweet, caring, honest, loyal, intelligent, driven, confident, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, no problem. I am those things. Remember, I like/love myself and think I'm pretty awesome. Then POOF! Guy doesn't want those things anymore it seems! Instead, he wants a girl who is bitchy 90% of the time and complains the other 10%. Wait…what?

3. I don't understand why people say one thing and do something completely opposite. If you say you're going to do something, here's a novel idea…DO IT! If you say you're going to call, then call. If you say you can't wait to meet me, then meet me already. Really, it's not entirely difficult…unless you want to make it so, in which case, sorry but not sorry, you're out.

4. Here's the newest one. Guy sends me a message on a paid dating site (can't tell me I'm not trying here!) We start chatting via text, and he's all gung-ho about meeting. We set a date up…both of us are excited. Few days before this set-up date, I get the text "so can you do a different day?" Jokingly I ask "what, prettier and better girl lined up for that day instead?" Turns out, why yes…another girl is coming to his house for the night for their first date. Well how lovely for you, dude!

4. I hate my mom telling me that my friends are having trouble with this too. Especially when said friends are 4-6 years younger than me. Six years ago, I wasn't feeling this way. I wasn't even at four years ago. And forgive me for sounding a bit mean, but I don't care about their "woe to me, my boyfriend bought me daisies when I really like lilies, maybe he's not the one?" The dude bought you flowers, he was thinking about you when he did it, be happy!

Let's talk about this all here, okay?

I don't think that a relationship is the be-all-end-all of the universe. Nor is being in one, unless it is with yourself. Because yes, you do need to like yourself in order to be a relatively functional human being I think. But…I'm going to be completely 100% honest here…I'm getting lonely. There, it's out in the open. Whew! I've officially reached the point where I want a family. Husband, kids, dog, maybe not a white picket fence because they're kinda silly looking, but a house none the less. This took a while to fully reach this point, but I'm there now.

While I'm still not willing to settle for someone who can just throw that my way (I'm not desperate!), I'm looking. I've been patient. I mean…I'm 32 and only have the dog so far (though he is a pretty awesome dog)…that's being patient I think. I pray every night for God to send the right one for me. He's gotta be out there somewhere, living and breathing at this very moment, maybe wishing and praying for me too…so where is he?! Why is it taking so long for us to meet up finally?

So…for the guy who (hopefully) eventually finally fills this void and emptiness that is slowing growing in my heart, thank you. You rode in on a tortoise instead of a great white stallion, but thank you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get here too.

Thirteen Years Later: 9/11: We Will Never Forget

13 years…it's hard to believe. Seems like such a short period of time but at the same time long ago that we were all changed. It's harder to feel safe, to trust, to think that things will all be okay. We took our lives for granted beforehand, our safety and security, our status as a world power that everyone listened to and almost seemed to bow down to.

One of the most common questions is: where were you when you heard?

I was in Old Main on the 4th floor in between classes. I don't remember what my first class that morning was…probably Organic Chemistry lab or something like that. The class I was going into was Honors Modern Problems in European History…a small class of only six students and one of my better professors, Dr. Costello. Standing in the lounge area of the building, there were televisions on showing the whole thing. I thought someone was watching a movie. I mean…who would do something like that to us? My friend Shaun was standing next to me, and all he kept saying was "this isn't a movie though, Marie." I remember us hugging, and shock just settled in. We talked about it the entire time in my class…sharing what we thought of it all, fears, worries, etc. When I got out, Gram was picking me up so that I could take her out for her birthday (yup, 9/11 is her birthday.) Her first words when I got in the car were "well this is the worst fucking birthday I've ever had." I had never heard her swear like that before, and I've never heard her use that word since. We just came home, and you couldn't help but just keep watching the television to see what was happening, though it put you in more and more of a deeper state of fear and depression. When my one brother and his girlfriend came home, they turned on the family room television and were watching it the whole time as well.

Since, so many things have changed in our country and our world. Some I agree with, others that I don't. This is neither the time nor place to discuss this though. The fighting hasn't stopped. I doubt it ever will. It's been going on for centuries…the weapons just get more advanced.

Two years ago, I had the opportunity to chaperone 15 freshmen to New York City…most of their first times there. We went to the World Trade Center Memorial and the church where most of the rescue mission was centered…words can't even describe, so I'm not even going to try to. There were two things that stood out to me though. First, there was a woman sobbing over the name of a lost loved one. My heart was breaking just watching her…I couldn't even imagine what she was living with, all of the loss and hurt and anguish. But then there's the tree that survived the whole thing. Its leaves were coming out from the buds. It was life. It was a little burst of hope in the middle of the endless empty holes in the ground. It was beautiful.

All that we can do is learn from this. Remember those lost, those saved, those who rescued, those who have and are still fighting for peace. There is no winning this…only hoping for peace for all. Teach those that come in future generations to seek this peace. And above all, to stand true and proud like the tree that survived.

The Longest Day

Today I had to go on the hardest drive any pet owner ever needs to go on. I cried the whole way, and so did Taurus. He was so sick the past couple days though, and he had given up…and I can't blame him. It was the right decision to let him go with dignity, as the king he was (and always will be.) It doesn't fill the massive hole that's left in my heart right now though.

He was the best little man anyone could have ever asked for. He came from so much abuse and neglect, they found him on the street living under the thruway, giving him his name Freeway at the SPCA. We got him at the beginning of June 2002 when he was just over a year old. He weighed 35 pounds, you could see his ribs, and he was sick then too…throwing up in our house right away. He was terrified that we were going to take him back to the SPCA for doing that, but I just told him "it's okay, I have a bad stomach too, you're in the right place, cause we get it here." My heart was totally captured when he kissed me on the nose then, and it became his little way to say "I love you" to me.

Taurus was pushy, but in the totally cute and wonderful way. If he wanted to be pet, you would get hit. I can't begin to say how many times he punched me in the face just for a tummy rub. He knew what he wanted, and he wouldn't stop until he got it. He was so smart. I know everyone says that about their dog, but let's face it, there are some dumb dogs out there. Taurus though…you could have a conversation with him, and he would answer you and listen intently. And those eyes…you really truly believed that he understood every word that you said.

That's what Taurus taught me. That life can give you shit sometimes, like it did for his first year before he chose to come live with us. But if you keep fighting and pushing for what you want, you will get it, and it will be wonderful.

I pet him all night last night practically. We snuggled the whole time. He had toast and marshmallows for his last little meal…two of his favorites. When it came time, he knew it. We got to the SPCA, and one of the women there told him "you had a family that really loved you, didn't you? You were a really lucky guy." And he wagged his tail, saying "yes, I really did, and I love them too." I gave him his last hug, told him to be a good boy in heaven and that I loved him, and he kissed me on the nose before turning away to go with the veterinarian tech into the back. He came into my life like a king, and he left like one too, and for that I'm grateful.

And now, here I sit, curled up with his blanket that I can't bring myself to wash. On and off sobbing and laughing at funny things that he had done. When I was putting away his bandanas, of which he had a ton, I swear I saw him in the doorway wagging his tail wanting to know which one he'd be wearing today. Thinking that now he would give me a look like "come on, knock it off with the crying already you crazy girl!" And always that kiss on the nose that was our thing…our I love you.

RIP Taurus. May the fields be green and full of rabbits for you to stalk, may there be endless potato chips, cookies, and marshmallows for you to eat, may you win every race you enter up there, and I'll see you when I join you up there one day…when we can kiss each others noses again.

Taurus Katonka T. (May 2, 2001 - April 28, 2014) 

We will always love you, Little Man!

Harry Potter About Me Survey

Cause I'm bored…

• Harry Potter:Tell us about a scar on your body
• I got my very first scar when I was a day old. It's on my left hand. I was born with a mole there (just a little one) and they decided to remove it. Needless to say, now I have a ton of them, and that one came back on top of the little scar.
• Hermione Granger:What is your favorite book, how many times have you read it, and why do you love it?
• Oooh…there are so many. Pride and Prejudice probably is one of my favorites, and I've read it four times.
• Ron Weasley:Something you're afraid of?
• Spiders, just like Ron Weasley actually.
• Luna Lovegood:One thing that makes you different from everyone else.
• Hmmm…well I'm sure others are like this too and that I'm not the only one, but I'm the only person that I know who doesn't get hungry watching Food Network. In fact, it works opposite…it's like I am eating while I watch it.
• Fred Weasley:Can you do any magic tricks? What is the best one you can do? If you can't do any, what's the best one you've seen?
• I can make it look like my thumb got cut in half. That's about as good as it gets.
• George Weasley:What is the best prank you've ever played on someone?
• Recently I got a text from a stranger wanting to know where I was, that I was late to the party, blah blah blah. I came up with this whole story and texted it back to them, and they believed me. This lasted about five minutes and then I felt bad and came clean. At least to me it was funny.
• Neville Longbottom:Tell us an embarrassing story.
• Walking up to the risers at a chorus concert in middle school, I tripped on an electrical cord, in front of the entire school.
• Narcissa Malfoy:Do you have a good relationship with your family? Who are you closest to?
• Some of my family, yes. My mom and I are really close.
• Voldemort:If you were to create a Horcrux(s), what would it be and why?
• My Nook…it holds so much of what makes me, me.
• Bellatrix Lestrange:Have you ever loved someone who could never love you back?
• Umm…my husband who doesn't know that he's my husband, Bradley Cooper…duh! Seriously though, yes.
• Ginny Weasley:Have you ever been in love with an unexpected person?
• I guess in hind sight, yeah?
• Hedwig:If you went to Hogwarts, what kind of pet would you bring? (ex: cat, owl, rat, frog)
• Owl…definitely an owl.
• Draco Malfoy:Is it better to be feared or to be loved?
• I want someone to love me so much that they fear losing me.
• Rubeus Hagrid:What is your favorite mystical creature?
• A griffin…love those!
• Dolores Umbridge:Make a list of rules that your family (or whoever you choose) would have to follow if you made the rules.
• No nagging or fighting over stupid stuff. Respect each other. That's it.
• Lucius Malfoy:What is your most prized possession?
• The picture of my dad - I only have one.
• Molly Weasley:What is the proudest moment of your life?
• Getting inducted into Alpha Sigma Nu (the international Jesuit honor society) would probably be one of them…at least the first one I can think of. It was a really big deal for me, and totally unexpected, but a real honor.
• Dobby:Who are you most loyal to?
• My family.
• Sirius Black:Have you ever been accused of doing something you didn't do?
• Yes…many times.
• Argus Filch:What's the worst job you've ever had?
• Cold calling for donations for muscular dystrophy…I lasted two days.
• Dudley Dursley:How many presents do you usually receive on your birthday?
• Honestly, I've never counted.
• Peter Pettigrew:Are you a leader or a follower?
• It really depends on what it involves. Probably more a leader though, unless it's uncomfortable social situations. After all, I graduated from Canisius twice…where leaders are made.
• Cedric Diggory:Have you ever had a near death experience?
• Not that I'm aware of or recall.
• Albus Dumbledore:What is the greatest obstacle you have ever overcome in your life?
• Compared to what others have to deal with, I really don't feel like I've had to overcome any obstacles. Ultimately, I've been lucky.
• Minerva McGonagall:What is your favorite spell?
• Expecto Patronum.
• Severus Snape:Are you a trustworthy person?
• I like to think so.
• Remus Lupin:If you transform into any one animal or creature, which one would it be?
• Probably a dog, but not a werewolf. Just a fun rowdy dog.
• Uncle Vernon:What is your favorite day of the week?
• Sundays are nice.
• Mad Eye Moody:Who is the bravest person you know?
• My mom. She dealt with so much and came out on top by the end of things (presently.)
• Arthur Weasley:What do you think is the best "muggle" invention?
• Vaccinations are pretty great. Most of us would be dead without them.
• Professor Sprout:What is your favourite class that is offered at Hogwarts?
• I think I'd be pretty good at Potions, even though I stink at making them on Pottermore.
• Nymphadora Tonks:If you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be?
• I'd be thinner/fitter. But I'm getting there, so yeah...
• Moaning Mertyl:What is something that always makes you cry?
• Watching The Notebook, which is why I refuse to watch it ever again after the one time.
• James Potter:Would you risk your life to save someone you truly love?
• I think I would, so long as I could trust that they would do the same for me.
• Lily Potter:What color eyes do you have?
• Really dark brown…and around the outer edges, they're almost black.
• Professor Trelawney:Have you ever dreamt something was going to happen and then it happened?
• Probably the most famous time this happened for me, I had dreams of Abu Simbel in Egypt a few times months before finding out that I was going to Egypt. It wasn't even like I was planning on going since it was a contest winning trip.
• Mr. Ollivander:What would your wand look like?
• I'm too lazy to go on Pottermore to find out the exact description of what I "tested" as having. I like to think that it would be long (since I'm tall,) unicorn hair for the core, ash wood (I'm stubborn,) and have stars carved on it. 
• Lavender Brown:Who is the last person who texted and have you ever had a crush on them?
• My best friend Dana…no crush.
• Cho Chang:If you were on the Quidditch team, what position would you play?
• Seeker. Cause I'm awesome like that.
• Aunt Petunia:What is your favorite flower?
• Tulips…yellow ones in particular.

Personality…?

Think about it…do you have a character, be it in a book or TV show or movie, that reminds you of yourself? Is it really yourself, or is it what you want or wish you were like? Is it how you are when you're sad, with friends, at work, with family, on your own, when you're hyper, or top form?

Who is it?

For me? It's Tiffany Maxwell in Silver Linings Playbook. Minus the whole "loyal married to a dead guy slut" thing. There are definitely moments where afterwards I'm like "whoa…"

There's one scene in particular that pops into my head especially. Pat runs off Jordy, and then Tiffany chases after Pat, where he gets upset with her for not being there to get the letter from him. (My hair even looks like this half the time if I don't straighten or blow dry it…not sure if that's good or bad…)



With my family, I do the whole sarcastic eye rolling comments thing. The "oh my God, you're killing me!"

I embraced the high messy bun before it was "popular." Vodka is my drink of choice when out. I dance like a crazy bipolar person.

The entire snarky attitude as a means of self protection and preservation when needed.

Ugh…it should be "a part" not "apart"!!!!!!

I might not say it all the time, but I'll be thinking it, and then say it to someone I feel comfortable with afterwards. I would totally do the whole letter thing if asked or if it was needed…especially if it was helping someone else, even though it's a crazy idea.

There are more similarities, but we won't get into all of them here…they're a need to know basis.