"the list"

It's been a really long time since I've posted an entry on here. Gone are the days of Kiwibox where I posted every day and freaked out if there was no entry. I figured out tiny little things to put up on there, even if it was just a few words. I miss that...but there's just not enough time in a day anymore.

The list came out for cuts for the upcoming school year. NYS is going through a major budget crisis, and our "lovely" governor has decided "hey...let's take money away from kids and give it to rich people instead!" Great idea, huh? So even the district I'm teaching in now, which has been known as one of the "safer" districts to be employed by, is going through massive cuts. Needless to say though, by the grace of God, I'm somehow safe. I seriously think Bob, my department chair, and the principal pulled every bit of weight they had to keep me. Bob's going to be teaching IB classes in 2012-2013, and he'll need someone to teach the AP biology classes...my Masters Degree in Gifted Education definitely helps for that. Plus, Joe is going to be retiring around then too, and they know that I'm interested in continuing the Anatomy and Physiology classes if given the opportunity. So yeah...I'm safe with a job for next year. Whew! I really do love it there...feel like I've gone full circle to be back teaching in the school I went to. I hope, like the principal said, this is the place I'll stay at.

reflections on 2010

It was, well...an interesting year. Doesn't even seem like a full year has gone by since last New Year's to be honest. Time really does fly by, even though some days feel like forever.

Let's see...2010. What did you hold?

• The worst New Year's of my life. I had never felt so alone at midnight in my entire life as I did that time...this year is not going to be a repeat!
• Finished my LTS at Alden and then subbed per diem there through the rest of the year.
• Went to Toronto with mom to see the King Tut exhibit at the AGO, learning that a facial mask is more fun than shopping with her.
• Learned that some districts/superintendents will lie through their teeth to get the cheapest candidate, and then they always come crawling back to try to get the better one.
• Spent another week in the hospital which involved being slapped by a doctor and refusing to see two others ever again.
• Finally got diagnosed with what's been wrong with me my whole life...celiac disease.
• Started my job at KE...which has had all of its own ups and downs.
• Gone on an awful blind date that will forever live in the record books. "Good luck in all of your future travels" indeed!
• Finished up my Masters degree...marking the point where if I truly wanted to be done with school, I could be. (But I'm not...)

So what does 2011 hold? What resolutions am I making?

• No more pop...well, my mini goal is to make it up to Valentine's Day before having another glass. It's 3:42pm now on NYE, and I have one more glass to finish off from the bottle and then all of it is gone out of the house. The only exception will be a bit of ginger ale when I have a really bad stomach ache.
• More fruits and veggies and less refined sugar (e.g. ice cream and candy.)
• Join a gym and actually go at least once a week (ideally more, but well...starting small here!)
• Pay off my one credit card with the highest balance so they can stop harassing me for only paying the minimum. This I fear will take the most discipline out of all the resolutions...

Wishing you all a very happy and blessed New Year!

in a land called Narnia...

When my brothers and I were little...there were certain videos that we always rented from the library. "Cirque du Soleil" videos, anything "Star Wars", and the animated "The Chronicles of Narnia." We would watch them, and then pretend we were in them. We were circus performers, Jedis fighting off the dark force, and warriors in Aslan's army against the evil White Witch. To me then, they were just nice stories...fabulous places where you could escape to for an afternoon.

I didn't read "The Chronicles of Narnia" complete set until I was in my early twenties. I absolutely adored them...they're my favorite books out there to be completely honest. The imagery, the beauty, the truth behind the story. I knew the background of the books...that they're the child's version of "The Bible"...and that made them all the better for me. The first book as the creation story, that as Aslan sings louder and louder and louder, more and more is created and formed. The battles of good versus evil, temptations, overcoming personal evils in seeking the good. The last book being the book of Revelation, only not as scary...like I said, child's version. The Pevensie children were like my brothers and I...fighting like normal kids do, but sticking together through thick and thin. Lucy seriously is my favorite character in a book...for her simple belief and faith in things. She is sweet, smart, and so willingly believes without needing to see...she's a beautiful character.

And then Disney started to make live-action films based on the books. "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" came out. I cheered when Santa Claus appeared (and still get misty eyed when Lucy turns to Susan and says "told you he was real.") I hooted and hollered when I saw griffins on the good side...which if I could have any mythical pet in the world, that would be it (never mind the fact that Golden Griffins are my alma mater's mascot.) I couldn't help but smile and feel safe when Aslan appeared. "Prince Caspian" came out a few years later, introducing us to a real-life (well...computer animated) Reepicheep. It wasn't as good of a film, and I cried my eyes out when the group literally got slaughtered in Peter's failed attempt at storming the castle. But when the trees came to life again, helping Aslan's army win against the bad guys, I cried again.

"The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" came out yesterday, and of course mom and I went to see it. Talk about beautiful. It's one thing to read the books and imagine it in your head, but this is one movie where it lived up to my imagination. And when they reached Aslan's Land, and brave little Reepicheep begs entry, knowing that he's not worthy, but getting to see it with his own eyes because he made it...I was crying with the best of them. They didn't show it to us, but just based on faith alone, it needs to be absolutely beautiful beyond anyone's imagination. Watching sweet Lucy and brave revived Edmund say goodbye to the land of Narnia because they gained everything they could from it, I cried.

I can't imagine a world without Narnia...even if it's not a real land. It's a state of mind...a belief...a fabulous place where animals can talk, where mythical creatures exist, and where a lion is king. It's a place where child-like faith rules, showing us that we should all strive to be that way. Because when you get down to it all...faith is all we have.

is it really so hard to believe?

Yesterday I went to dinner with a large group of friends. No really, I mean large...as in took up an entire side of Applebees large. We ranged in ages from 10 through 60. This occurs every Monday night, but I'm rather picky about when I'll go. Okay, to be realistic, I've had class every Monday evening for ages, so that definitely hinders things, not to mention the lack of an official gluten free menu there. I'm terrified of those kind of things still, because who wants to be sick for Thanksgiving? Not me. But anyway...

When I got up to leave at 8:15pm to make the twenty minute trek back home to my poor little dog who twisted his foot, one of the older guys asked why I was leaving so early. I said that I have school in the morning, to which he asked "what time is school?" I answered that I had to be there at 7am, and he was appalled, wondering what college course starts that early. When I told him that it's not me going to school, that I'm educating the future of tomorrow, he didn't believe me. Now, I've known him for a few years now...I've been going for this whole teaching thing since 2007...don't believe me? I had to explain to him how I teach 10th grade Living Environment to a bunch of kids that I love (though who love to give me a constant run for my money.) He still didn't believe me for a while...

Am I really not the "teacher-type?" Is there one?

Sure, if you would have told me five years ago that I was going to be a teacher, I'd have laughed in your face telling you that it couldn't be true. I had it stuck in my mind that it would be doctor or bust, no matter how foolish it seemed. And foolish it was...because now that I'm teaching, you couldn't pay me to do anything else. It's fun! I absolutely love it, even on the days that I want to come home crying. Seriously! Sure, a ton of work, definitely not a 9am-5pm job, frustrating at times, time-consuming grading and lesson planning and calling students' homes (for good and bad.) But when you're up at the front of a classroom, watching students who aren't seeming to get it all of a sudden reach the corner, and when they turn around that corner, everything comes into the light for them and "oooooo, I get it now" takes over...it's awesome. When the students confide in you, trusting you enough to share their problems and joys with, asking you for advice for their own futures...that's fabulous too. It's a completely satisfying and exhilarating yet frustrating and maddening job all at the same time with little respect. But when you think back on your life, you can describe the good ones no matter how long ago you went to school. Can you do that with the top football or hockey player from twenty years ago? Or what about the most influential business people? Nope...but teachers you can.

There's a poem...pretty much sums it up...

celiac and me

Constant headaches of every kind that wouldn't go away despite endless doses of prescription pain medicines chock full of Tylenol and caffeine. 24/7 abdominal pain, including a never-ending gnawing where my stomach is that would sometimes leave me doubled over. Always exhausted, so I'd want to take naps all the time, even if it was nearly bedtime anyway. Any bug that came near me, I'd catch without fail. Joint pain beyond just my normal knee issues (normal hardly being a good word...three knee surgeries that realign the joints aren't exactly normal, but you know what I mean.) I could barely move when it was cold or damp. Hormonal problems that led to my starting on birth control pills at 15 years old, long before I even thought really of what they would normally be used for. A red bumpy rash that makes me look constantly cold or like I never shaved at all covering pretty much my entire body, especially my face, arms, and legs. Weeks where food just didn't seem appetizing at all, so I just wouldn't eat, leading to my nearly passing out multiple times. Diagnosed with IBS, spastic bowel, potentially Crohn's disease like my mom...you name it, it was there in my chart.

I had my gallbladder taken out last year at 27 years old. It was functioning at 14%, even though my bloodwork was perfectly fine and there was never a problem with it before. One day I just doubled over at work and thankfully was already at the hospital. It took them five days to even figure that one out. That seemed to be the major breaking point for my stomach though. I couldn't eat a thing afterwards. Sure, I tried the low-fat diet, and they put me on resin powder to mix with water (or applesauce if you like to eat sawdust) and drink twice a day to keep food in my stomach. Within four months, I was back in the hospital, doubled over again with abdominal pain and completely exhausted. That time, it was a week. The general surgeon came in, slapped me on the cheek, told me that it was the same stomach bug he had just had a week earlier and to go home. The gastroenterologist thought I was just wanting the pain meds that I could get through a IV in the hospital (though if I were to be honest, those were quite nice.) My primary physician put me on a whole list of medications, played around with some dosages, and then shipped me home when the pain was temporarily relieved. I was on Reglan four times a day (which is an absolutely nasty drug to take...just listen to the lawyer commercials with the old lady's mouth twitching), Protonix twice a day (which isn't considered formulary for my insurance at the time, so it cost $70 a month to take and nothing else similar worked), and a few others just for kicks and giggles. When I saw the gastroenterologist in the office for a follow-up visit, he told me that everything was in my head, that it was just stress and I wasn't able to handle anything that caused even a bit of anxiety. Seriously...if I were going to make something up, it'd be a lot better than a crappy stomach!

Finally, I started keeping a food journal on my own of everything I ate and how I felt afterwards. I wanted to know what kept bothering my stomach, because shortly after leaving the hospital, it was all back again. The biggest culprit that I noticed that never should have caused a problem were plain Cheerios. No milk, no sugar, no extra flavorings...just regular plain old Cheerios. I told my doctor in July about this at my three month follow-up, and you could see the little wheels churning in his head. He sent me for a blood test, and history was made in my life. It came back elevated, and I started the gluten-free diet.

Celiac disease. It sounds rather awful. My 10th grade students think that they can catch it from me, but they think it's really good that at least I can still eat Mighty Taco (even if it is the icky corn hard tortilla shells.) But to me, it was like a magic song that finally answered every problem. Sure, eating gluten-free is ridiculously expensive and complicated, mostly for other people to understand. No wheat, barley, rye, and most oats. Nothing that touches any of those things, including regular flour. You try going to a regular grocery store (Wegman's doesn't count) and find things that you can eat while staying away from gluten. It's the glue that keeps bread and pastries and even some popsicles stuck together. It took me four months alone to find a decent bread that is edible and didn't crumble when I picked it up to make a sandwich...and trust me, it's none of the ones sitting on the grocery store shelves pre-made. This baby has to be kneaded and all. Lots of fruits and veggies and non-marinaded meats (yup...many marinades have gluten in them...like I said, it binds the world together apparently.) There are a few restaurants that I can eat at, but I need to do a lot of praying beforehand that there's no cross contamination going on back in the kitchen. Denny's, one of the haunts after midnight bowling throughout college, is supposably going to be coming out with a gluten free menu soon...but you can bet that I won't be setting foot in there. Too dirty in their kitchen area...all I need is a speck of flour in my food.

That speck is like poison. I went to a restaurant a few weeks ago that has an established gluten free menu and ordered potatoes that were fried in what I was told was uncontaminated oil because nothing containing gluten went in it. Within five minutes of eating those potatoes, my stomach was blown up so I looked about five months pregnant and I was sick. The rest of the day, I was in a fog, my own little world where all I wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up for days. My mom was so worried about me, we packed up to the hospital where I laid with IVs for a few hours. It wasn't worth that one potato wedge, let me tell you. Now I can look at a whole table full of baked goods, donuts, sandwiches, and cookies. I don't want a single bit...not even a bite. I can stare at it for hours without wanting a bit.

I feel alive again. I don't need naps every couple hours, and if I do, it's because I've been stretching myself thin with grading a million papers at the last minute before the marking period ends or planning for formal observations by my principal. And during those times, I don't get sick with every little virus that comes near me. No more headaches that make me want to gauge my eyes or temples out, no more joint pain, no more heartburn. The skin rash is clearing up big time. And the nicest part is...no more constant stomach pain. It's gone. So long as I eat gluten-free, I feel better. Much better. Oh yeah, and losing about 15 pounds in the past five months doesn't hurt either.

Celiac is the most under-diagnosed disease in the United States. Approximately 1 out of 125 people have it, but only 3% are actually diagnosed. It can start out when you have your very first taste of gluten as a baby, or it can start suddenly, usually after trauma of some sort they've noticed. It is auto-immune and genetic...you're predisposed to it. Your body just decides to attack gluten and instead attacks your small intestine, turning it from a toothbrush with the villi that collect all of the nutrients from food into smooth like an ice skating rink. There's no medication or surgery that can make it better. It's just all in diet...24/7 for the rest of your life diet.

And you know what? I'm okay with that.